As of yet, he remains blissfully unaware of bullying
After seeing so many stories in the news about bullying in school, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m terrified of bullies. Not for myself, of course. I’m physically able to fight, run, call the cops, or all three.
Jayden however, is not. He can’t walk, so fighting and running are out of the question. He can’t talk, so I may never know if he IS being picked on at school. He is currently in a developmental school that I feel comfortable with. All the other children that attend are developmentally delayed in some way, so the probability of bullying is quite low. It’s not eliminated, I’m sure, but I believe that most disabled children have very kind souls and don’t WANT to hurt anyone.
But what if they do? What if Jayden is being messed with on the bus? If the bus drivers don’t tell me, I’ll never know, unless I employ the nanny cam. I just might. I’ll never know if bullying occurs in the class room, cafeteria, or playground either, unless a member of the staff tells me, or unless it’s caught on camera.
What if Jayden ends up going to a regular public school, full of cruel, non-home-trained, misguided kids who want to pick on Jayden and children like him? Then what? I doubt that will happen, as this developmental school goes up to 8th grade, but with education cuts running rampant in North Carolina, you never know. Side note: Don’t get me started on the “lack” of education funds. That’s why they have the education lottery. But whatever.
After reading a few other blog posts about bullying, or children being mean in general, I’m alarmed at some of the comments from parents. Parents have said a few things that I think deserve attention:
- “Your child needs to develop a thicker skin” or “Your child needs to toughen up”
- “They are only bullying because they have low self-esteem. They should be treated with love”
- “That’s normal. Kids can just be mean sometimes”
OK, let me address these statements, because I feel as though this type of mentality only contributes to the problem of bullying.
First of all, there is a lot to be said for a child developing a thick skin. When they become adults, it will help them deal with things such as disappointment and rejection. This does NOT however, make it OK for other children to bully them. Saying things like this only excuses the bullies’ behavior. It’s basically telling the victim of the bullying to “suck it up.” Sorry, won’t happen.
Second, it’s true that bullies have low self esteem. They SHOULD be treated with love. At home. Not that other adults should hate a child who’s not loved at home, but it’s the love they get from home that matters most. Also, their lack of self esteem won’t make things better when a bullying victim takes his or her own life. So, yes, they need love, but that doesn’t mean the behavior shouldn’t be corrected. In extreme cases, some of these children just might need new homes. I don’t mean to make them sound like pets, but if what’s going on at home is so bad that they feel the need to take it out on someone weaker than them, their home life may need to be examined.
Third, of course kids can be mean. But here’s some food for thought: They can also be nice! I’m not saying it’s all unicorns and rainbows in every household, but when a child is mean to another child, the parent of the offender should intervene and teach love and kindness. Being mean should NOT be normal. Parents should NOT excuse or encourage cruelty towards others. This is simply another statement that rationalizes undesirable behavior.
If I EVER find out that Jayden is a victim of bullying, and any one of these lines are fed to me, it’s going to be a tough day for the parent of the bully, the school faculty, and most likely, the school superintendent. I’m terrified of the idea of someone purposely hurting Jayden, but I’m NOT terrified to take appropriate action if it comes down to it.
Bullying is a real problem, and parents are the first line of defense, for the bully and for the victim. Finding the reasons behind it is worthwhile, but ALLOWING it and undermining the severity of it is unacceptable!
As a young child experienced bullying first-hand because I’m epileptic. It was only from one girl & lasted about 2 yrs. Later we became good friends.
In a boys situation I think there is more competition & a desire to impress both staff as well as class members. Basically all of this means trying to stay top man at any cost and constant peer pressure. Depending on how a child copes with all of this could affect their behaviour.
Niamh, those things definately contribute to that behavior, but the first line of defense is still the parents. Parents should teach their boys that being “top dog” isn’t the most important thing, and impressing your peers isn’t that serious. They should teach their girls not to ever let another person make them feel less about themselves.
Brilliant article & very well written.
Jack went into Respite this afternoon, a little girl of about the same age came over to say hello & rubbed his hair. I told her that was lovely but not to put her hands anywhere near his face or he might hurt her. She asked how & I told her that he bites & thinks its funny when you scream, she walked away with a disgusted look on her face, so funny. I’m not trying to make light of your article, just writing this while your story made me think of it.
It’s funny you say that. Jayden likes to bite as well, and laugh when someone screams or falls down lmao. Thank you for contributing to the discussion
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I think there’s also a difference between children disliking or being intimidated by a disabled child, and bullying. If they say things like “I don’t like him” or “he’s weird”, they’re showing that they feel awkward. Often parents are so quick to want their child to be loved that they take offense (I know you wouldn’t but I’m adding to the discussion). When in reality, sometimes children just feel awkward and will voice it. They don’t understand that it’s not always okay to say those things out loud. In fact, I truly respect children’s complete honesty at all times–I wish more adults could do that!
That being said, there is a true problem with bullying in this country, and many adults want their children to be ‘macho’. Disabled children (at any level) are the most susceptible and have to be watched very closely. How does a parent discern the difference between the brutal honesty of a child and borderline bullying? Especially when the child/victim can’t voice their problems to anyone?
Additionally, as much as I think that classrooms are NOT meant to have parents in them, for children of special circumstances, I totally support the nanny cam. Too often the bullying can even be coming from the teacher! But again, how do you keep the balance between allowing the teachers to do their jobs, and watching the nanny cam 24/7 to make sure your child is ok?
Thanks for letting me discuss!
Hey Whit!
You’re absolutley right that sometimes a child is just confused or intimidated by a disability. That is acceptable, but kids physically hurting another child (disabled or otherwise), or teachers are calling students names and things of that nature has to be stopped.
I don’t intend to watch the nanny cam ALL the time, just maybe at the end of each week, or a few times a month, until I’m confident that things are kosher. I want to believe that teachers are doing their jobs and I think, generally, they are, but as we both know, that isn’t always the case.
Jayden is typically a super happy child, and I’m sure I’d notice a shift in his moods if something was going on, but I can’t be sure a mood change would even happen. When I was in Iraq and that chick (you know if we were talking in person I’d use an expletive lol) was neglecting Jayden, he was still pretty happy, although he screamed when she tried to hug him good bye lol.
Thanks for your contibution